Naked Deeper

Nature is full of changings and it doens´t have a purpose. It just exists. Everything what happens inside nature being is a part of it. Rains, wind, storm, sunshine.. birds, swans, ducks.. If there are too many sunny and hot days and no rain it could be damaging for the forests or harvest.    Everything in the circle of nature should be in balance. This process of nature being is about its changing and balance. The same is with human being. It is about process and balance. The process of existing. The balance of having. 

It is process. It will never be done. It is about balance, harmony and present moment. Life. I am under pressure again. I can feel with all my muscles this bothering feeling, when my mind is occuped with worrying thoughts. I am under self-pressure. I am under pressure of myself. Anything would help me right now but not staying in this silence with myself. I can not take it - to stay with myself and these thoughts in this silence. It would take so much strenght from me to confront my fears and myself. I would rather run away as I normally do. I would shut up myself with music, with movies. I would get myself lost in the streets or coffee places. I would stay in the kitchen putting constantly food into my mouth or drink beer. Anything, what would distract me from myself. That is why day by day waking up surrounded by trees, singing birds and lake in this endless silence starts to feel too much for me. That is why I am filling myself with food, becouse there is nothing else avai...

Something bothers me right now so badly that I can not fall asleep. I feel obsession for getting some food and this feeling grows every minute. I lie in my bed turning nervously around. I try to calm myself down. Let´s try something new I have learnt for the last weeks. Let´s test it and see if it works. Now, when something bothers me and keeps me under its pressure I would behave differently. I will not fight with this feeling by trying to understand what causes it and know how to deal with it. And I will not despond to this feeling by running into the kitchen gobbling everything I would find. I will watch it. I will stay still in my bed. I will focuse on my breathing. I will concentrate my whole energy on watching kindly and passionatly what is happening to me. It took about few minutes for me to fall alseep.

I train myself to get out from my own cage I built and got locked up. All these limits I created are inside my mind. I stop for a while to have a proper look at this what I have done to myself. There is no gain, there is no hurry, there is no destination. There is no past and no future. I want to be free from those limits right now. I feel stocked and tied up with them, I feel under their control. I want to be free from them. All the limits are in my mind. Right now I make things work the way I want them to work for me. I behave the way I am with all my reactions, emotions and needs. It is beautiful and inspiring to watch something what works in harmony and natural way, what is not under the pressure of limits. Free, opened, light, sensual, intuitive.

This is process. There is no beginning and there is no end. It will never be done. Everything what is happening to me is something what comes and goes. I watch it. I let this be, come and go. There is no purpose, there is just process where I am what I am from my deepest depths. I have opened the gates of My World widely for you. You can watch me. I have no goal. I feel the moment. I have needs and dreams though, but those are not the purposes. Those are not the must things. Those are my feelings which are part of me. There is nothing I have to do. Becouse things will take their order when it comes right time. I feel the smells of the trees and lake, the soil in this forests. I think I can breath again, deeply. It is freedom when you go away from your own way and get rid of those limits you made up.

Pretty hard to concentrate to my feelings and needs when there are people I know around me. Actually it is hard to concentrate even on something else either. My attention goes to please people or behave myself as I programmed myself to behave. As I got used to and trained myself to behave with other people. I waste my energy for keeping that habit to behave with people. This habit consists of my experiences and ways to survive from them. However my present behavior is mostly the mask of those habits. It takes huge amount of energy to carry this mask when there are people around. I feel week and dissatisfied. And others do notice it. My dissatisfaction I can not hide. It feels like if someone would suddenly find out that I am hiding something. This somtheing is me under those roles. The distraction from behaving naturally could damage my mask and there is a crash as a risk. This crash is a mix of anger, disappointment and self-punishment. However, here is a way to minimise that wa...

I have realized how much I am afraid to show my real me, true me to others. I protect so carefully my true me from others by covering it into shells of falses and lyings. I try to hide it from the others because of fear not be seen and accepted . This explanes that stressing and exhausting experiences of spending longer time with people and sharing the rutines. Being with people earlier or later requires either to behave as you trully are or to keep playing that choosed role of yourself. I waste my energy by hiding my real needs from the others. This explains my low level of energy during the day comparing with that time I lived alone. Living alone just with yourself doesn`t need to be seen by anyone. So I can choose. I have to either try my best and keep hiding my true me by forcing  myself to behave the way I wouldn’t behave naturally or I would get naked in front of people.  I have no need to hide from myself or from others. I stop to listen that silence and breath ...

I am free when I am alone. I feel so free, that I strongly believe I belong to this World. To this Pure World. When I am with people, constantly, from moment to moment, from day to day... when there is people around me all the time at the same space then something happens. I lose this connection to my freedom. I lose myself. I am distracted from the connection to My Pure World. This happens because when I am surrounded by people I keep thinking if what I do would be accepted. ”May I do it? Is it ok if I do it? Am I allowed to do it? Would it be accepted if I do it?” ”Am I accepted if I would do it?” I am ready to share my world with you. I am not shy to be myself when you watch me. Next time I will also do it watching straight into your eyes enjoying of this connection with you. I will show you what I have grown inside me. And you will enjoy of this harmony. I will not hide from you my World. I will be myself every moment. I will be open for you with all my depth ...

Nature, silence, art and carrying people have made a perfect base for my deeper fears to appear in the middle of my Paradise. It was just like a storm during a beautiful day. It actually was a storm between an absolutely beautiful days of sunny and hot summer. I ate and felt sick from trying to punish myself as I used to do during all my life. What a hell am I doing to myself right now, when I have learnt how to control myself and situation? I felt like throwing up. Too much food and stomach pain. I was dropped into my memories. I experienced those emotions again and again, when my expectations was broken in one seconds by my the only love of my life - my father! I wasn´t good enough whatever I did: My first poems was too funny. My dance was not the thing I had to do, because I should be a musician. I wasn´t musician good enough. Whatever. I was dropped into those memories just after I have almost done with building New Me. Adult Woman with strong character. Not stro...