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Exercise

Nature, silence, art and carrying people have made a perfect base for my deeper fears to appear in the middle of my Paradise. It was just like a storm during a beautiful day. It actually was a storm between an absolutely beautiful days of sunny and hot summer.

I ate and felt sick from trying to punish myself as I used to do during all my life. What a hell am I doing to myself right now, when I have learnt how to control myself and situation? I felt like throwing up. Too much food and stomach pain.

I was dropped into my memories. I experienced those emotions again and again, when my expectations was broken in one seconds by my the only love of my life - my father! I wasn´t good enough whatever I did:
My first poems was too funny.
My dance was not the thing I had to do, because I should be a musician.
I wasn´t musician good enough.

Whatever.

I was dropped into those memories just after I have almost done with building New Me. Adult Woman with strong character. Not strong enough though.

I was dropped there. Was storm. Even birds didn´t sing anymore. I couldn´t feel nature around myself. Wind slapped me into my cheeks. I just felt sick and cold. I also felt fucked up and angry as a hell. I would just take a bike and ride away from here. Ride away from the place where I was dropped into my painful memories. Run away.

”Why don´t you run away? Do it! You always did it before, girl! Just run with your full of food stomach feeling as a winner, as ”strong” enough woman”.

Not this time it seems, because it looks like I am still here. Angry like a hell but still... I am here looking for the key. I want to be free from those memories and just let them go.

I do not have to submit anymore to my father or to anyone else. I do not have to hurt myself either with eating or anyhow else. There is no need to hurt others either. I do not have to protect myself, I do not have to do those things anymore, because it is my past. This is not a reality anymore. Those are just my memories from my past.

Now I am person, who is aware of those things in the past and able to choose, make a decisions and see what is the best. There are people around me, who are enough to be informed about my needs and we would do the way is good for all of us. No need to reject anything. No need to ignore any of my needs.

Everything is changes. Past is in past. And now is this present time, what I am building with all my respect for myself and for other people.

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