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Waste

Pretty hard to concentrate to my feelings and needs when there are people I know around me. Actually it is hard to concentrate even on something else either. My attention goes to please people or behave myself as I programmed myself to behave. As I got used to and trained myself to behave with other people.

I waste my energy for keeping that habit to behave with people. This habit consists of my experiences and ways to survive from them. However my present behavior is mostly the mask of those habits. It takes huge amount of energy to carry this mask when there are people around. I feel week and dissatisfied. And others do notice it. My dissatisfaction I can not hide.

It feels like if someone would suddenly find out that I am hiding something. This somtheing is me under those roles. The distraction from behaving naturally could damage my mask and there is a crash as a risk. This crash is a mix of anger, disappointment and self-punishment.

However, here is a way to minimise that waste. The waste of energy. And I would rather do it.

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