Naked Deeper

Pretty hard to concentrate to my feelings and needs when there are people I know around me. Actually it is hard to concentrate even on something else either. My attention goes to please people or behave myself as I programmed myself to behave. As I got used to and trained myself to behave with other people. I waste my energy for keeping that habit to behave with people. This habit consists of my experiences and ways to survive from them. However my present behavior is mostly the mask of those habits. It takes huge amount of energy to carry this mask when there are people around. I feel week and dissatisfied. And others do notice it. My dissatisfaction I can not hide. It feels like if someone would suddenly find out that I am hiding something. This somtheing is me under those roles. The distraction from behaving naturally could damage my mask and there is a crash as a risk. This crash is a mix of anger, disappointment and self-punishment. However, here is a way to minimise that wa

I have realized how much I am afraid to show my real me, true me to others. I protect so carefully my true me from others by covering it into shells of falses and lyings. I try to hide it from the others because of fear not be seen and accepted . This explanes that stressing and exhausting experiences of spending longer time with people and sharing the rutines. Being with people earlier or later requires either to behave as you trully are or to keep playing that choosed role of yourself. I waste my energy by hiding my real needs from the others. This explains my low level of energy during the day comparing with that time I lived alone. Living alone just with yourself doesn`t need to be seen by anyone. So I can choose. I have to either try my best and keep hiding my true me by forcing  myself to behave the way I wouldn’t behave naturally or I would get naked in front of people.  I have no need to hide from myself or from others. I stop to listen that silence and breath deeply. I

I am free when I am alone. I feel so free, that I strongly believe I belong to this World. To this Pure World. When I am with people, constantly, from moment to moment, from day to day... when there is people around me all the time at the same space then something happens. I lose this connection to my freedom. I lose myself. I am distracted from the connection to My Pure World. This happens because when I am surrounded by people I keep thinking if what I do would be accepted. ”May I do it? Is it ok if I do it? Am I allowed to do it? Would it be accepted if I do it?” ”Am I accepted if I would do it?” I am ready to share my world with you. I am not shy to be myself when you watch me. Next time I will also do it watching straight into your eyes enjoying of this connection with you. I will show you what I have grown inside me. And you will enjoy of this harmony. I will not hide from you my World. I will be myself every moment. I will be open for you with all my depth

Nature, silence, art and carrying people have made a perfect base for my deeper fears to appear in the middle of my Paradise. It was just like a storm during a beautiful day. It actually was a storm between an absolutely beautiful days of sunny and hot summer. I ate and felt sick from trying to punish myself as I used to do during all my life. What a hell am I doing to myself right now, when I have learnt how to control myself and situation? I felt like throwing up. Too much food and stomach pain. I was dropped into my memories. I experienced those emotions again and again, when my expectations was broken in one seconds by my the only love of my life - my father! I wasn´t good enough whatever I did: My first poems was too funny. My dance was not the thing I had to do, because I should be a musician. I wasn´t musician good enough. Whatever. I was dropped into those memories just after I have almost done with building New Me. Adult Woman with strong character. Not stro